Flooded Feelings

i’m just a little bit twisted, too.

i’m a fangirl. that is one die hard fact that i cannot and will not deny. i’m a fangirl but i’m a dignified one.

instead of shrieking like a banshee when i see a poster of my fandom, i smiled. i cry when they do and i laugh when they laugh. i was there with them all along. i am proud of them for their achievements and i get angry at their idiocy. at times i feel like slapping them in the face real hard and at times i want to hug them so tight, i’d crush them. i accepted them in and to let go, takes a great will.

but here’s the catch, they aren’t real. at least, that’s what people will argue. it’s just a show, that’s what you would say. to me, they are as real as any book i’ve read, any one that i’ve met and any stories that i’ve heard. a little bit on the unique and peculiar side, a little bit twisted but real nonethless.  because the feelings they evoked, the reactions the suppressed and the reality they emit is real. because i am emotionally attached to those real feelings they caused me to feel. because i am an emotional girl and a fangirl and i cannot help but act like one.

because in life like ours, without fandom, we lose just a little bit of life’s beautiful gifts.

5 years now. 2 years of waiting, hoping, expecting and countless amount of created imaginations and i finally get something. it was beautiful. utterly, heartbreakingly, wonderfully beautiful.

beautiful as it is, it’s just unfair. because life has never been fair to them.

i want more. i hope for more. but… i may be stupid but i’m not an idiot, and i know i won’t get it. gotta try and live with this painful beauty. gotta try and accept this bittersweet reality.

because i’m a little twisted, too. just like them.

because it is amazing, how uncanny he is.

“i met someone who felt the same way but i remember him as being strong enough as to change. from him i learned that people are more than their mistakes.”

jay might not have done the same mistake but he made a mistake.

but… don’t we all?

what time is it? 1:59.

“knowing how to receive is one of the best gift”

“i am most alive when i’m writing”

“10 words that can make believe and delight me”

“only aware of the speed of my pen to keep up with my mind”

“as if the seret in me, is before me.”

“it’s amazing how flatness can give beauty room”

i write because it gives me the chance to be myself.

i had an inspirational lecture today – because no matter where you come from, what your past, writers within you connects you beyond any boundaries.

i write for me. and for you.

i write for us.

i stole these from my lovely, la reveuse. i hope you don’t mind my dear…

amidst the bustling and racing towards life, kita selalu lupa apa sebenarnya makna to live.

it’s the little things like this.

hatachi.

4 days ago, i turned twenty. october 20th, 2009 – am now, officially an adult.

there are a lot of lullabies in this world. the wind, rain, the engine of trains, the sound of the keyboard and even in silence. lullabies lulled me to sleep with the form of imagination and when i open my eyes next, i had to remember that i am twenty.

it has always been a big question and at times dread, to be turning 20. because really, it is a big deal. people kept asking and i kept answering and yet, i don’t really get it. it is not joy but it is not depression, neither. it is just…is. it’s just is.

i remembered being 12 and meeting twenty year olds and thought how grown up they look. how smart, how mature. and ideals are ideals. they can be soothing and at times real but they cannot be the truth. i remembered wishing that i am just one year older than i really was until i stopped wishing to wish and started to grow up.

i am away for a month now. and spoke to my mum only thrice. talked to my dad twice. i am stronger now, braver for i had done this before. and i had friends that are still raw and new and they needed me to be strong. and i will. because i cannot do much but if i can be a support, i will be a support.

i grew up so much that at times it scares me. i think so much that at times it holds me. i worry so much that at times i hurt me. and yet i am braver, older and perhaps, slight more confident. what did i do before turning 20? in a course of a month’s time?

i went to watch a play at the national theatre. i read and understand a critical essay on my own. i contemplate again and again whether to buy that piano. i walked through doors and grabbed every opportunity. times and days became longer for i am now more productive. more reliant, more responsible. going to the library till late and to try to understand better and better.

i met new people here and new comforts. and i am a comfort to them as they are to me and there is nothing i could ask to be. tahun lepas, ida hanya ada chetna. and that is enough for me because we are each other’s strength. we had to learn a lot on our own and we did a lot on our own too. it was hard because there were only the two of us.

this year, i am blessed with people that i am proud to call my friends. easy and laughable, they joined this small ship and are getting the sails on together. it’s like, God is being fair to me. work hard before and rest a bit, this year. i am thankful and thank you.

tiba tiba, semua macam lain. dua puluh bukan macam sembilan belas. dua puluh bukan macam lapan belas. i mean, yeah, they say age is just a number and even at twenty, i still find the urge to play and laugh like a little kid. twenty is just a number but it is also a big one.

to get to twenty, i had to walked so far. and now at twenty, ida masih nak jalan lagi.

Autumn seem to have passed us by without visitng this year. letting Winter in. i look at the trees and all i wanted to do was pull out the leaves one by one and let them scatter on the ground – like they should have been (at this time of the year).

most people look forward to spring and summer. but autumn is my favourite. winter is its companion. spring is beautiful and summer is brightening but autumn is my favourite. my second autumn and she passed us by without visitng. and suddenly i am worried and scared. i listened intently to her whispers and all i get is a hint of coldness.

let autumn come. let her visit.

let leaves fall – like it should (at this time of the year).

sitting here infront of my computer on a saturday night, the clock exactly 18 minutes past 10, i am mellow. life has been moving unexpectedly fast and productive, teaching and very overwhelming. it feels as if i have been here for months but i’ve only been here for two weeks.

my body is tired but i feel as if iwould miss a lot if i sleep and break away. my mind is exhausted but i think therefore i am. my heart is bursting with emotions and here i am, the only place to let it out. here i am, in this sacred place, in this little corner.

i want to write but i don’t have any stories. i want to tell but i’ve spoke a lot. i want to read but my mind is full. i want to sleep but i want to stay awake, too. i have Dickens to read, Austen to assess and Edward Said to understand. i have fandom that needs to be shared and bonds to be continued.

dalam masa 2 minggu, ida dah buat macam macam. hidup ni susah, itu satu fakta yang kita tak boleh lari daripada. but because it is impossible to run away from it, we have to be able to keep it up with it. give it all our best. jangan lari, embrace it.

it’s like being hit by a bullet.

it’s like being in a reverie.

3 and half months, that was how long my holidays were. Things were the same, things changed – the usual grey ambiguity. Things were clear but also very blur. A lot of questions, a lot more answer but never the final answer.

You know, it’s amazing how much I learned in a changed phase and place. At first, when I came back, apparently ‘not changed at all’, I was frustrated. Because to me, I was not the same. Inside, I changed. There are molecules inside that aren’t arranged the same way. Nerves system lined up differently and new neurons. There were experiences in my being, there were new sights that my eyes saw and there were backbones and claw that surfaced.

I wanted to show my changeling. I wanted a bit of acknowledgment, a little nod on the head and a pat at the back. I did all I did with my sincerest sincerity and I wouldn’t have wanted anything in return if it wasn’t for the unnecessary remarks that I’ve gotten.

9 months away and Syahida came back whiny, overly-sensitive and indefinitely bratty. I was like that (the brat that I tried so hard to keep away resurfaced unconsciously). Logic and reasons helped me to realized it and re-think. I was ashamed, embarrassed and thoroughly disappointed. I had a lot of unnecessary anger and was continuously being a bitch to my family.

I was continuously calming myself with the piano or when I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke, I would fight back and complained. I was a romantic with the image of life with coloured rainbows and bright sunshine. I am still that girl but I’ve noticed the grey clouds hovering near the sun – sometimes, storm and rain can appear too.

The day I learned about myself, I was surprised and scared – I found yet, another flaw. But being myself, I learned to be optimistic about it. Admitting and realising your own flaws is another part of the learning journey.  Someone said that there are two types of people in this world. One that learns from someone else’s mistake and another that learned from their own. I am the latter and realising this, exhilarate.

I find that it both restraints and releases me. I am both brave and afraid to do everything. You get it? *shrugs* Maybe not yet.

I am not perfect. I’ve said so, so many times. I am not beautiful, not a hint of adorableness. I whined, bossed people around and at times, a bit too…OCD. I am doing English Literature but my English sucks. I am girl but I’ve never worn make-up. I speak up but I stutter. I stammer. I love to write but there aren’t real writings.

There are days when you woke up and the day failed you. Everyday I wonder what makes the people around me want to be around me. What makes me so special in their eyes because in God’s honest truth, I don’t know.

Heh, ironic huh? For someone who thinks that she has no worth to want acknowledgement and appreciation. Very egoistic.

Nights came without fail and there lying on my bed, mind wanders and delved in to the depths corner within. I thought and thought and thought. And though I cried at a lot, it has been quite some time since my tears are solely for me.

In the end, with all my imperfections, I told myself to buck up. If no one to give me a pat on the back, I shall do it myself. If people like me for me, I shall be me and appreciate it. In the end, I learned, when going back for 3 and half months that I am not so bad for I realized my own flaws and learned how to both accept and remedy it.

In my own way, I’ve grown – just a little bit more.

~~~

Friday, 18^th September 2009, re-united with people I’ve known since I was 8 years old. How long has it been since I last met them? 5 years. How long has it been since I properly interact with them? 7 years. How long have I known them? 12 years.

And turns out, the period isn’t important. It is the bond. I was afraid to see them because the Syahida that they knew was a girl that I am ashamed of. The Syahida that they grew up with was childish and snobbish. I was a person that I hated then and because I was embarrassed by my own past, I am afraid to face them.

I grew up at 15. By then, I was creating a new horizon in KDU. I grew and grew and grew and from then, learned to be the person I am today. Talked to one of them and asked one of the FOFs about me, two very different answers will come out.

I wanted to lie and say no when they asked to meet up but my sisters and cousins said that I am leaving and I would never get a chance to see them again and after a week of hesitation, I relented and went. For the early phase, it was extremely awkward. I didn’t know how I should act because I forgot how I was with them.

Some of them remembered me for being the bossy prefect that continuously asking them to pull their socks up and another, I was the brat that bragged about the swimming pool in her house. My worst nightmare came to life for these are the things that I wished to forget because these are the things I wished I never did. But I did it and it is done and you can never make-up your past. You can only make-do with it.

After a few moments, conversations flowed, laughter came and I am reminded of them and the moments when I am actually happy and laughing with them. I knew them when I was 8 years old and now, we are all 20 years. Time flew. Some of them changed, some didn’t at all and yet, they received me well. They reminded me of my past but not only the bad ones but also the good ones.

When I came back, satisfied and content, my mak asked me. “Macam mana tadi?” And I said it went well. She asked me why I was so afraid and reluctant to go and I couldn’t really explained it and just said because “it has been quite some time.” “How did they react to you?” she said. And I didn’t have an answer. Placing my brother’s boxers on his pile of folded clothes and then changing the channel to watch her favourite Indonesian show, mak said, “You see, it’s how they received you that’s important. You didn’t have to be afraid at all.”

I turned my back and looked down at the white and black keys of my beloved piano and I thought of them. They have grew and so did I. I was afraid of them and they were estatic to see me. My avoidance of them has nothing at all to do with them individually but myself. I realized that I was punishing them because they were around me when I was at one of my worst moments. I hesitated because they appreciated me even then – even when I didn’t appreciate myself.

Placing my fingers on the melody, I tuned up all the limited songs I have. Loud songs became soft and soft songs became softer because inside I was crying with thankfulness.

Until now, I still remember that night I met them. Who everyone was, what they did and what we talked about. I’m glad I went.

~~~

Ramadhan came and went. Raya pun datang dan pergi juga. I had learned to not hope and I went by each day embracing each moment and take whatever that may come. Ramadhan, was not how I remember it but it was not entirely different too. I baked kuih raya for the first time and was proud of it. I have the urgency to cook as much as I could and I did. This year, unlike all the other years, Harry Potter and The Mystery of Hogwarts board game didn’t appear. This year, unlike all the other years, Hilary Duff’s first album didn’t intrigued my heart.

Ramadhan was not like the years it used to be. Suddenly, there are heaps of hampers and kad raya. Ayah was constantly away. Before, Ramadhan used to be the time when everyone is at the table. But now, it is a time when invitations flew in. And jam halted certain people.

I was away for a year and it felt that everything changed during Ramadhan.

But it was not entirely bad either.

~~~

About three years ago, I wrote about how my brother told me that he felt that he has grown up because he went to the toilet at our kampong at night alone. (The toilet is outside). This year, my second brother said the same thing to me. Echoing my first, Abang Id said that he thought that he’s “terrer” for coming out alone at night.

I am once again reminded of the past and the things I learned back then. It was circle. It was a revelation. Because I was away for a period of time and Raya felt so long away and suddenly, this reminds me that though it might seem like an alien, everything isn’t all that different.

Throwing away all insecurities and doubt, I celebrated Raya with all my might. 4 days and it felt like 4 years. Memories of it I stored it well. It was nothing special but it became something very, very, important.

~~~

Am now, back in Queen’s Land. Coping and settling well and yet, unconsciously missing home tremendously.

today started off just like any other day but despite going to bed late, late, last night, i was awake and fresh when my mother woke me up at ten to tell me that we’d be going out at 11 to subang parade. at exactly, 10.30 am, i grabbed my towel and was ready half an hour later.

went shopping for 3 hours and a half, got back home and just when i wanted to lie down for a bit, i had to get up again, and did some chores. under a special circumstances, my mum has to stay downstairs alone and cook and clean and wash because just like any other saturdays, it is a family night. and family night meant cousins, little and older ones running, laughing and just doing random things. i’ve seen her being tired and before she even requested it, i dragged my younger sister and cousin to help her.

i cooked. i cleaned. and all the time without being moody or angry. my sister went away. my cousin slipped upstairs. and by the time i finished my sayur and looked at the watch, it is already, 6.30. greeted my aunts and cousin, prepared everything i can and then went upstairs to change.

tutored my 12 years old cousin and helped her to prepare for her UPSR. at 11, went out to Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman and discovered the real of KL. life as describe in KL, Urban Odyssey presented very vividly and ate a place that most people would rather die than go. today, i learned and become more, a malaysian. because today, me-rakyatkan myself and i understood.

got back home again at 2.30 with the rain pouring heavily on us. masak sahur, cleaned again, waved goodbye, cleaned and finally, went upstairs to take a bath, change and sit here infront of this computer. my body aching, my feet are throbbing and my entire self, tired. now, at 04.08 am, i am once again contemplating the hours and concluding the day.

it has been a long day but not once did i got angry and upset.  today, i grew just a bit more.

what i want to say is that, i am 19 years old but i tend to babble like a 70 years old and i clean like a black belt maid. i do everything i can without being told and despite the teasing. in any way i can, i made sure my mum would do lesser. and so would my aunts. i was tired but i thought mothers do this everyday, so they must be tired too. and thinking that, i packed up strength and i got up and gave my best shot.

from far away, i can hear my cousins laughing and they made me swell. i hear my brothers lame jokes and my sisters constant bickering and i thought, how much do they think i’ve change? how much have i changed really? before, i am among them. and now, i am around them. but i was not entirely out of the circle because i still chirped in and laughed with them. -they can force no matter how many tears from me. they can annoy me constantly. they can say anything they want but they can’t change how much i feel for them.

sebab keluarga kan, you buat macam mana sekalipun, they will still accept you.

standing here and then there, i am watching myself like an outsider. and throughout the whole time i thought, we are growing older and getting more independent and yet, we still depend on our elders. i am stepping up to the plate because i cannot force someone else to do it. we have a big family altogether, and though we have fun, we aren’t the most responsible bunch. i am learning slowly. stepping up slowly. because, i realised that if we don’t do it now, later would always be…later. until there isn’t time to learn at all.

today, september 5, 2009, i suddenly feel that i can do anything at all.

i will continue to grow. i will continue to be strong. i will.