truth is scary, most of the time. people like to think that the truth is best. we make a point of lying and yet not tolerate being lied to. truth is scary, most of the time. but having known the truth, makes you a brave person in a twisted and painful kind of way.

i brave my heart. not all the time because i am not at all strong. but i try.

♥

i’ve become so sensitive ever since i got back home. it seem so ridiculous even through my eyes but it never stops the tears to cloud my eyes and the pain to clench my heart. maybe because i’ve become a different person when i way away. i grew up, made my own decision and matured in so many ways. but when i got back home, i am still overlooked, still childish through so many eyes and still unchanged.

it is overwhelming and hurtful to not be recognized for it. i tried so hard and i seriously thought, i grew up.

♥

but i am not so oblivious as to the reason too. even if i am 20, 30, 40 or even 50, i am still the younger child, the bratty girl and the ‘drama queen’. maybe, possibly, deep inside, they know i’m not the same anymore.

♥

lx, i know i promised to be near you. to support you and help you. and i am still doing it. maybe not on your pace but on my own. and im doing my best in my own kind of way because honestly, brutally, and rawfully (if that is even a word), i am scared too.

i am scared for my helplessness. i wish i could do more and know more and do more but this is all i am capable of. because unlike my words, my person isn’t as strong. i desperately need you to be okay…

♥

i am a literature student with relatively good english but not perfect. i am embarassed when people point my mistake point on but i learn from it too. when i am nervous, i jumbled up. when i am in a conversation, i am perfect. but conversation too, needs to be from a comfortable companion and things that i am passionate about.

i don’t have to know everything, enough if i can say that yes, i am fluent enough. to be liken to somewhat abominable people, i feel sad. not insulted really, just sad. i thought i put more effort in becoming better.

♥

i hate being called an underdog player. just because i don’t play it often does not mean i am bad at it. i might not be extremely good at it but i am okay. i am not like them but atleast i know i can. the names appear with the ‘image’ they have of me. i feel that it’s unfair.

♥

i don’t make an effort to put people off but sometimes, i think my ways are too crude. even after i said it, i replayed myself saying to myself – i was hurt. for this stubborn and relatively inconsiderate approach, i’m sorry.

♥

one of my goals in life is to not be afraid to go to new places and meet new people. there is an interesting look of being a wallflower but the dissatisfaction for my cowardice does myself no good. target one? malaysian slampoets in Hartamas.

♥

i wish to read as many books as possible. because i think intelligence is a wonderful and sexy thing.

♥

i dream and imagine ALL THE TIME. but when we are back to reality, things aren’t always that easy.

♥

sometimes my realities are like my dreams. and my dreams, my reality. i am back for only two weeks and unitedkingdom seem to exist in a fantasy land. i miss it irrevocably, but i know to go back, i have to go through the goodbyes.

and goodbyes is always a pain.

♥

fofs, this is the last year. for you, for me and for all of us. no one to be here anymore. when we meet again, 6 months later, a year, two or possible ten years after, you are still my fofs. in a twisted, broken and remarkably amazing kind of way, you are.

♥

YT, Alya, RM and darlings, you my own way of feeling comfort. because you understand, so much and accept so much and count for nothing. you my love for friendship, my way of holding on and say, i’m at ease.

♥

it is scary. because the more we grow up, the more problems we recognize. in my own developing pace, i shrink away from outmost problems and when i think that it is ridiculous to do so, i jut out my chest, tap my heart and tell her to be ready. because turning away from it is unforgiveable to me.

♥

i want to say that because you grew up with me, looking over me and witnessed my most horrible moments, you do not know ALL of me. i wish you would recognize your own flaws too. before recognizing others. it is because i love you and do not want to have you be hurt that i say it. because granted that you are not the same person that you were before, and i am proud of you, i wish you wouldn’t overlooked me too.

i tried so hard. and what you said, hurts.

♥

i wish that i know all the songs of the birds. all the quotes from the heart and the sighs of contenment. i want to experience life in a beguiling and romantic kind of way because that is just the kind of girl that i am.

life isn’t easy, i know as much. some have it easy, some have it hard but both ways does not change the fact that life is unpredictable in a predictable kind of way. you do it how you want it. and sometimes it will come times when everything just breaks apart but that is okay too, because you learn to set your pace.

i do it all the time. escape in the world of stories that i pick when my reality is burdening me too much. escape in Sitta Karina’s world, Picoult’s, Quinn’s and many other. bath in the serenity and the realistic unreality. after that, like coming out from a bath, i use my towel and scrap the remaining water away and i brave myself.

you have to brave yourself and i know it is hard. trust me, i know. but such a thing is important and just a bit of braven heart and a touch of hesistation can bring you far. i did that and i changed.

bits and pieces, tiny and almost reluctant, i changed. i’ve accept little pieces of me and there is a lot of chunk of me left to be loved but it takes time. and when i get there, i will share it with you..

“there is no such thing as an unwritten life, only a badly written ones. do a great thing AND LIVE.” – Brothers’ Bloom.

ida