hatachi.

4 days ago, i turned twenty. october 20th, 2009 – am now, officially an adult.

there are a lot of lullabies in this world. the wind, rain, the engine of trains, the sound of the keyboard and even in silence. lullabies lulled me to sleep with the form of imagination and when i open my eyes next, i had to remember that i am twenty.

it has always been a big question and at times dread, to be turning 20. because really, it is a big deal. people kept asking and i kept answering and yet, i don’t really get it. it is not joy but it is not depression, neither. it is just…is. it’s just is.

i remembered being 12 and meeting twenty year olds and thought how grown up they look. how smart, how mature. and ideals are ideals. they can be soothing and at times real but they cannot be the truth. i remembered wishing that i am just one year older than i really was until i stopped wishing to wish and started to grow up.

i am away for a month now. and spoke to my mum only thrice. talked to my dad twice. i am stronger now, braver for i had done this before. and i had friends that are still raw and new and they needed me to be strong. and i will. because i cannot do much but if i can be a support, i will be a support.

i grew up so much that at times it scares me. i think so much that at times it holds me. i worry so much that at times i hurt me. and yet i am braver, older and perhaps, slight more confident. what did i do before turning 20? in a course of a month’s time?

i went to watch a play at the national theatre. i read and understand a critical essay on my own. i contemplate again and again whether to buy that piano. i walked through doors and grabbed every opportunity. times and days became longer for i am now more productive. more reliant, more responsible. going to the library till late and to try to understand better and better.

i met new people here and new comforts. and i am a comfort to them as they are to me and there is nothing i could ask to be. tahun lepas, ida hanya ada chetna. and that is enough for me because we are each other’s strength. we had to learn a lot on our own and we did a lot on our own too. it was hard because there were only the two of us.

this year, i am blessed with people that i am proud to call my friends. easy and laughable, they joined this small ship and are getting the sails on together. it’s like, God is being fair to me. work hard before and rest a bit, this year. i am thankful and thank you.

tiba tiba, semua macam lain. dua puluh bukan macam sembilan belas. dua puluh bukan macam lapan belas. i mean, yeah, they say age is just a number and even at twenty, i still find the urge to play and laugh like a little kid. twenty is just a number but it is also a big one.

to get to twenty, i had to walked so far. and now at twenty, ida masih nak jalan lagi.